Friday, June 20, 2008

My Name is June. I'm A Good Cook

My name is June. I like to cook. In fact, I am a good cook. Or at least, that's what they (all) tell me.

You might think I'm bragging. But being a good cook in a small town is not glamorous.

When word about my culinary skills spread, I was in sudden demand. At dinner parties, they begged me to bring my fig and olive tapenade. At reunions, they wanted me to bring my crisp Mexicali bean salad. At birthday parties, they all wanted me to bring my special-recipe german chocolate birthday cake.

Over time, I noticed the Friday happy hour's started always being at MY house. Was it my sparkling clean floors or my mussels provencal that brought them? The red wine or my prosciutto-and-goat cheese wraps?

I don't own a mop. I served boxed wine.

So the jig was up.

The ladies were here to steal my secrets.

They'd all sit around exchanging polite (and sometimes impolite) pleasantries while nibbling on my festive crab cakes. They'd say "Oh, June, these are so PERFECT. So WONDERFUL, how do you DO it?" They' pretend to chat it up with me but slip in seemingly innocuous questions like "What EVER did you put in here?"

Flattered, at first, I would explain exactly how I'd mixed a bit of this, a bit of that, and spread it with a touch of this over here... They'd nod, somewhat vapidly. But eventually, I learned they were cold, calculating women bent on warping my culinary artisanship to their own mediocre ends.

One time, I had to stop one of these "friends" from ruining a perfectly innocent Herbed Polenta by reconstituting corn meal from a plastic-wrapped brick. This still gives me chills...

Then one day...the final straw. A part-time granola who fancies herself a quarter-time foodie wanted to know how I planned to serve all the vegetables I picked up from the community garden. "I could use some ideas," she said, blinking her puppy dawg eyes in my face.

This made my blood start to boil. Finally, I had to take matters into my own hands.

I would stand up for myself and proudly shout to all the world, THIS FOOD, IT CAME FROM ME* FIRST.

Thus, I started this blog to put my own copyright** on what I cooked so NO WOMEN OF MENDON SHALL EVER STEAL OR BASTARDIZE MY RECIPES AGAIN.

So put on your apron and grab your oil and garlic, Girlz (and men who like show tunes), 'cuz this bitch is gonna show you how to cook.


*and various publications such as Martha Stewart Living and Budget Gourmet
and Better Homes and Gardens. Oh, and sometimes the Sunday newspaper.
**or copy-wrong, considering *, above


Anonymous said...

Waiting for your first blog entry, lady!

One day of rest is ENOUGH!
Get to it!

Anonymous said...

June, you gotta have your own show, because on top of being a great cook, you are hysterically FUNNY!
Your sister-in-law.